So. As part of the very tip of the tail end of an abusive relationship I need to log all incidences of abusive behaviour on the advice of my solicitor. None of you worry. I'm totally safe. It is just formalities.
This is purely for it's macabre entertainment value.
A couple of weeks ago there was an incident of quite horrible harassment that needed a call to the police. They sent 2 male officers at 11.30pm. This was not cool.
This time there was an incident of physical violence. I had no idea if it was "isolated" as I never know what he is going to do. A day and a half after they arranged to come out, they sent a single male officer of roughly the same height, build and appearance as my abuser. To my home. With all his scary officer stuff dangling from his huge frikkin man belt.
But, really really not cool were some of the wisdoms he had to impart. All I wanted was a notepad, me saying "this happened - write it down - log it - and be on your way." and for him to give me a crime reference number.
An hour and a half later I kicked him out after I could stand no more of his tedious man lessons. I choose for you some of my very favourite man knowledge that he had to impart.
Top 12 Officer Man Lessons On Domestic Violence And Abuse
1. What were you wearing? It could be important.
Because? I caused the incidence with my choice of clothes? Or you are just a bit fucking interested? I was mostly wearing a look that said "fuck off". You nob.
2. Leopards don't change their spots you know!
Really? Dayum. It thought he was going to suddenly behave really calmly when he realised I had actually escaped his abuse. But no… here you are telling me that he is probably going to stay a shitty person. Mmmm. Who knew? Thanks for that piece of amateur psychotherapy. You nob.
3. Sometimes they like the control you know.
No. Always. They ALWAYS like the control. The clue is in the term "controlling abusive bully" which is the term I used to describe him. But hey…. you keep up. That's quite some training you've had there and are putting to such amazingly patronising use. You nob.
4. We've had new training and I have this set of things to ask you that they "make me ask" so bear with me *flicks through his pad* …..
Oh dear. Can you remember it all? Shall I help. What with me knowing it like…. for real? Nob.
5. It might be a good idea to avoid him. Though I'm sure sending him texts is ok if you get a bit angry….
Ah yes. Taunting an abusive man. That is a good piece of advice right there. I do like it so when you ad lib to your "training". That might not get many women killed or injured when they start texting how they really feel about the man who has ruined their life. Nob.
6. Medication might help. Are you on medication?
No. I am not. I don't need medication. I am here calmly in my kitchen telling you that I am going through the motions of a complaint because finally I am in control of my life. But thanks Dr Officer Man. What have you got? I'll take anything that works just like Sauvignon Blanc. Nob.
7. Have you ever been forced to have sex?
Have you ever been forced to talk about the sex you didn't want to have? Cos that is really quite bloody torturous to be fair. And when I say "coerced" you could at least attempt the face that would show you know what that means instead of this one….. nob.
8. They probably won't take your children away. They aren't keen on that much.
Yeah. Brilliant. Loving that you've reassured me on that. Since the abuser has no access to me or the house and I have been the one brave enough to make that a "thing" then no one actually has the right to take my children. I haven't done anything wrong. Nob.
9. You know you shouldn't be embarrassed.
You should you limited arsehole. You really should. Nob.
10. Are your neighbours nice? Because we do have a duty to make sure their peace isn't disturbed but it might be awkward having a patrol car turn up.
Well. My neighbours are lovely. Except the potential rapist in the corner. He's a bit of a bother. But hey… why don't you go and ask them how they feel about a man potentially turning up to harm me and if they would rather I had a police car turn up outside or not and if it really is a bother for them I'll just keep quiet shall I? Nob.
11. Have you hear of Women's Aid?
Ooooh. No. Please tell me about that. Nob.
12. You want me to leave? But I haven't finished writing up my notes. Shall I do it in the car?
Yes. Yes. Please go away. Before I call the police to report a HUGE GREAT NOBHEAD IN MY KITCHEN!