Thursday, 14 May 2015

Can You Speak Troll? Part 1.

A handy translation of trollspeak ..... trolls are those special characters online.... what they say and what they really mean.....

If you can't be bothered with this just assume if you are a woman it means "shut up" and then don't shut up.


1. "What do you know about X?!" = "Oh shit. You know a lot more than me about X and I can't be arsed to read about X. Fuck. I forgot I might need to read one day when I ate my book in English for a laugh"

2. "This is none of your business!" = this is absolutely your business - I'm just totally pissed off that you know that it is your business and you found this rock, turned it over and exposed the lice beneath and now I need to crawl away and find another rock to hide under so FUCK YOU!"

3. "You are just a man hater" = why won't women shag me? Not enough women shag me.

4. "You're a lesbian" = why won't you shag me? Not enough women shag me.

5. "You're hairy and your vagina stinks of cod" = I haven't seen a woman for quite some time. I like to imagine they have turned into Magnum PI. Because he was quite hot for a man. Oh.

6. "There is such a thing as rehabilitation you know..." = I have fuck all in my life except football. Don't take my football off me. Why won't women shag me?

7. "Innocent until proven guilty!" = I want all men to get away with crimes of sexual violence in case I ever commit one. If I do it will be completely the fault of women in short skirts who won't shag me. Why won't women shag me?

8. "Why don't you focus on X - no one is focusing on X!" = X is the only thing I know is not too troublesome for me. All this other stuff you are angry about - I need that stuff. It maintains my position of privilege.

9. "Where were you when...." = I have literally spent 2 fucking days thinking of something to beat you over the head with and I came up with this piece of shit argument - but you're just a woman so I bet you are fucking fooled by it!

10. "You're a fucking idiot!" = Your smarts scare me. Why are women smart? I don't like women being smart. Smart women won't shag me. In fact. I haven't been shagged since 1987. Why won't women shag me?

There is a common theme.

I'll add to these as they pop into my head.

Meanwhile..... I'll be over there on that there twitter..... deliberately not shagging the trolls. This makes them ever so mad.

@JeanHatchet