I'm going to write a few pieces on this theme that struck me about how violent men are constantly changing their approach. Their colours. Their coats.
THE DVA LEOPARD.
A leopard cannot change its spots.
An abusive man can though.
All the time. In fact they can pretty much fucking shape shift, time travel and summon themselves back from the dead.
Abusive men can regroup, regather, restructure.
They can't do this though. They can't reform. Ever. Stop expecting it. Stop asking them. Stop googling "will he change?" NO. Every website ever on this should just say "no... here's a ticket to your life without him - thanks for dropping by. Get on the fucking 5.45pm to Forgettaboutit - calling at No Way - Not Happening - UnicornsDon'tExistVille"
Its not like other stuff he can do. He can stop watching porn. He can stop throwing Vodka down his neck. He can stop throwing cocaine up his nose. It will be hard. It might take time. He can do it though. I admire the men who can.
Abusive men can't stop. They just can't. Walk away. Keep walking. Run. Throw grenades behind you. Don't look back. They are waiting for that look. They will smile as they see it.
This is how they will get that look.
"I love you. I always have. No one has ever been like we are. We are special. No one will love you like I do. I am special. You aren't special. I am. You will not cope without me and my absolutely fucking amazing level of awesome. What will you do if I'm not there to tell you what to do? What will you do when you have no money? Oh dear. Life is going to get a bit less lovely for you. Life was awful for you before you met me... remember? I do. You were a right mess. A bit shit. Look at you now. You don't look that great. Look at what you have. Think of the kids. Look at what you've done to them. Look at how they are suffering. Look at how you're suffering. Oh dear I do worry so. I really worry."
May I translate? Would you allow me?
"I fucking hate you and all fucking women. You were my chosen woman to focus all that hate on. I therefore put a fuck of a lot of time into hating you and making you hate yourself and I'll be fucked if I'm starting again with another woman. It takes fucking years this and I'm a lazy bastard. Another man will probably love you if you let him. I won't let THAT happen. Fuck no. You are mine. I'm actually a bit of a wanker. I know that. I convinced you I wasn't somehow but I have fuck all idea how to convince another woman I'm not so best I keep hold of you as you believe I'm awesome as I've told you I am for such a long time. Before I was there to dominate your social life - you had one. You had a job too or you might have had a chance of getting one. Both of those things made you able to live without me. You could have those again but I need to make you fucking so afraid of how you go about - I might even spin you round for 10 hours in a dark room with a spotlight in your face - or the equivalent of water-boarding - which is to walk out and not let you know where I am or when I'm coming back. Your life was great before I met you and it gave me a total buzz to take it from you. Now that you look like you are about to get it back again I am going to do my absolute level best to make sure you don't get it. Ha. I've done it before. You look incredible. Another guy will snap you up in a minute unless I tell you you are fat and old and jesus look at that non-existent bit of fat that in no way overshadows your fantastic personality which I constantly undermine. The kids look happy too. How fucking dare they?! I own them too. I use them to control you. They are my biggest tool. Stop thinking they are better off without me around you. That is really dangerous for me. What with it being true and all. You aren't suffering are you? How dare you not? I can cut off your money. I can hassle your friends. I can hassle new people in your life. I will do that. I do worry. My real worry is that you have seen a life without me in it. I worry that I will be left with the shittiness of me. I worry that you will be out of my reach. I worry. So ..... y'know what if I can't cope? I might actually not be alright here! Shit. I hate you. Please come back to me!"
Ignore all this. Ignore the last bit in particular.
The answer is "no". See the 5.45pm to "No" above. Get on that fucker. Get the window seat. Watch the view. It's a fucking amazing view. Unlike the abusive man. It is ever-changing and ever-beautiful.
Love to you all,
Jean Hatchet x