Thursday, 24 December 2015

George Osborne and The Food Bank - A Christmas Tale.

[The events below probably bear no relation to what actually happened in the Cameron and Osborne households this morning. But Foie Gras Lobes are real and do look like ears. See below..... ]

It was the morning of Christmas Eve and George was feeling a little excitable. He'd already whipped Nameless and Replaceable, his trusty valet, with a sprig of Mistletoe, and thrown a copy of Ayn Rand at the dog. He had stroked little George as usual and it had taken so little effort even Nameless and Replaceable looked taken aback. Actually he had taken it on his back. But still. George was in high spirits.

He speed-dialled his bestie.

Osborne : "Dude! I'm off down the food bank. Can I get you anything?"

Cameron : "Gee Gee - you cannot continue to joke about our failure to provide a basic standard of living for the most vulnerable in society. It is intolerable."

Osborne : [Stays quiet]

Cameron : I was saying to Samantha this morning as we whisked round Fortnums, it is utterly shameful that we are in here with so much money to spend on products that the poor have never even heard of and whilst they eek out a miserable existence on high carb, low cost, staple foods we are shamelessly buying a hundred Foie Gras Lobes at £75 a pop to hang on the library Christmas tree, just to give us a grin, because they look like ears."

Osborne : [Stays quiet]

Cameron : My Christmas speech brought a tear to my eye last night. I thought... what a shame someone else has written this. It is so lovely. I'm so lovely. I'm like John Lewis. But more givey. A lot more givey. I think we should give more to people next year Gee Gee. Lets give the people stuff. Let's kick Duncan Smith's head in and promote Margot Fonteyn - you know that blonde lezzer one.... and let her do some giving all over the place. I'm tired of all the hating.

Osborne : [Stays quiet]

Cameron : Gee Gee? Are you there?

Osborne : Have you finished?

Cameron : I'm serious!

Osborne : Fuck sake Dude. You get like this sometimes. May 2010 you were fucking appalling. I had to lock you in the wine cellar for 2 days post-election remember? You couldn't stop wanking on about resurrecting the NHS and full benefits packages for economic migrants. I tell ya bro. If you believe your own shitting press one more time we are up shit creek without a Sunseeker.

Cameron : Sam's here. She wants a word.

Osborne : Do not put that horse-faced cow on. She'll be asking me about fucking free wallpaper again and my dad was only saying last Thursday "If any of your douche mates want wallpaper they can go to fuckin B and Q until you put the fuckin top rate tax threshold up to £3m." I can do that can't I? I told Dad.

SamCam : Horse face here Gee Gee.

Osborne : Horse face!!!!  Come and sit on mine?

SamCam : No can do Boyo. Busy wrapping presents. I got you some of that stuff you like.

Osborne : Eau De Blood Of The Poor?

SamCam : No ....the stuff made of eggs.

Osborne : Corbyn?

SamCam : Sharp as an economic spike that never comes this morning aren't you fucker?

Osborne : Haven't you got hay bales to snuffle?

SamCam : I'm putting the soft lad back on - have a word. He's talking about tripling Universal Credit and putting a statue of Keynes in the bog.

Osborne : Put him on. I'll sort it.

Cameron : Listen Gee Gee. Even Justin Bieber has become charitable. I could tweet out my message of goodwill and promise a thousand pounds each to the homeless peeps and pledge to open a dozen refuges for hurting feminists and ....

Osborne : Corbyn screwed your sister.

Cameron : What now?

Osborne : Corbyn. Took her up the shitter.

Cameron : The little Toad. Good grief. Those socialists are bad uns through and through. Oh dear Lord of all that is Holy..... I feel sick.

Osborne : Would you stop talking like a Christmas Carol you fucking loser and focus. How do we get him back?!

Cameron : Hold on. Which sister?

Osborne : The fat one.

Cameron : I don't have a fat one.

Osborne : My mistake. It was your brother.

Cameron : [Goes Puce] Right that's it! I am fucking selling the police and the ambulances and the local councils to China. Fucking get on it - £20 the lot.

Osborne : You haven't got a clue dude. That could take months. I've done the trains though. What else can we do?

Cameron : Let's kidnap Andy Burnham!

Osborne : No one gives a shit.

Cameron : Yvette?

Osborne : Dude. You drinking?

Cameron : I know. I'll give Liverpool to the Saudis as Human Rights Practice Area. No more Cilla Blacks for us.

Osborne : Right. Done. So ...a little test. What are the poor?

Cameron : Vermin.

Osborne : Where do we want em?

Cameron : In the sea.

Osborne : When do we want it?

Cameron : Around about January 2020 before they can vote again.

Osborne : I'll ask again. Anything from the food bank?

Cameron : Nah. Go down and torch the fucker!

Osborne : What did you get Rebekah Brooks for Christmas?

Cameron : Her fuckin freedom - that's what!

Osborne : See you at the Carlton about 5. Wear lace. Drinks are on me.

George smiled. Christmas was back on track.