There were others at the time. Another feminist I know had multiple ones to try to stop her supporting the complainant in this rape case. They were vile. She was frightened. Some of them were very threatening. I've had a few over the years. Probably created by misogynist trolls; the abusive ex or his friends; a longterm stalker of feminist women. Ones aimed at me were all designed to make me feel crap about myself. They all seemed to have been men.
At the time to try to make fun of these horrible men, and to make it hurt less, a lovely, very funny feminist woman, made a parody account of me. She did it to try to counteract the horror of these hideous men. It was funny. It mostly poked GENTLE fun at me being a bit "man-hatey"... in full knowledge that it was ridiculous and that I'm not. I also knew it was her and was able to laugh because I knew that she loved me and she still does. It didn't hurt. The account has gone now. Suspended. (Not for poking fun at me. But for being critical of trans rights activists).
Over the years these parody accounts have come and gone and have accused me of all sorts of things. Including this one which uses a swastika.
They are weird and obsessive. They attempted to dox me and intended to frighten and intimidate me. Lots were suspended. The one below used my abuser's name at a time when I was really terrified of him finding my online presence. He knows it now. This was not a good thing and has had consequences. It also gave my location when that wasn't known. It made me really afraid. I remember being unable to concentrate and having to bolt the door. Not afraid of this account as such but afraid that my ex would see it. It discussed my daughter by name, it named my abusive ex and it is racist. It was pretending to be me. Can you imagine how it felt to read this with a violence abusive ex in the background who does not know who you are on Twitter. Some of you will indeed know this fear. More on doxing and its effects later.
This one was similar. These men loved sharing my real name to make me frightened. Now I don't hide my first name. I do still hate seeing my name linked with my abuser's. Why wouldn't I? I hate thinking of that time and all the things I was then, things I had to do. I still have night terrors. I woke up recently screaming and thinking he was in bed at the side of me and was attacking me. It took sidekick a long time to calm me down and convince me it was him at my side. So men have used my name regularly to try to make me fearful and drive me offline. I would always put a brave face on. But this stuff affected the way I moved and I looked over my shoulder a lot. It was hard to concentrate on friends and family at times when I should have been relaxing.
Some of these men not only doxed me but threatened me and received a harassment warning from the police. They still did not stop. Here's Rob again.
There have been more but it is boring and needlessly stressful to drag them all out.
So, this week I was targeted by another parody account. This one was different.
I have been under attack over the last few weeks and months. The same small group of women have been at the core of this. I've been accused of not having cancer. Not having had a hysterectomy. Accused of abusing my daughter. Accused of not suffering from domestic abuse at all. Lying about how abuse affected me and the forms it took. Apparently it is ok because I'm a "bad" woman with a "bad past". A bad mother. A liar. No one likes me. I cause trouble. I air dirty linen in public. I'm always at the centre of drama. I should just shut up. On and on.
This all sounds a lot like my abuser. I always see these women as abusive. I am often hurt by it. But I stand up and I put on a brave face and I keep taking the knocks and I stay on my feet. Because ... I've had a lot of practise. It takes a lot to smash a survivor into the ground and it's even harder to keep her there. She will keep getting up. Even when you slash at her like this.
When I woke up to a DM from a woman on Twitter on Tuesday saying she was really sorry to bother me and wasn't sure whether she should show me a tweet, I went cold. The "parody" account looked like this.
It is nasty. I don't see myself as saintly or superior. The tweets were horrible and cruel too. Nasty and personal. Real character digs of the nastiest kind and designed to hurt. Lots of you saw them and were horrified. They suggested I exploit murdered women for fame. They suggest that I am always trying to promote myself at the expense of others. That I arselick other feminists like Julie Bindel. (It's called admiration and sisterhood). I'm sorry that a grieving woman is in these screenshots but this is the only one sent to me and I don't see why I should hide something so nasty. Please feel free to send more and I'll add more. These are all things that have been said about me lately by this group of women on their own social media accounts. I don't mind that they don't like me. I have them blocked. It clearly isn't enough.
What happened when I read them? I cried. I know what they think of me and I couldn't really care less. I already know what they say about me and it only reflects upon them. What goes through your mind at these points is "Are other women seeing this? Do they think this about me? Will they think I'm a horrible, vain person? Do they think my fundraising is bollocks? Will they stop supporting it? Will I raise less money?" It made me think about everything I tweet which I normally do from the heart and sometimes shooting from the hip without thinking. I started to take on board what they were saying and thinking how some of my tweets could be twisted and read. I asked a friend if I really come across as an arsehole. This is what it does to you.
Some of those following said they did so "by mistake". Given the content like the tweet above I don't believe them. These are things this group of women and Dan Fisher have been tweeting about me lately. The owners of this account, whomever they are, didn't "poke fun". They stabbed and slashed at aspects of my character. They suggested that I was self serving. That I used dead women to make myself feel better. That I'm a narcissist that makes everything about me. This isn't "fun" and I don't have to take it with a pinch of salt.
I don't know which of them set this account up but it was telling that when the account had less than 20 followers the follower list was made up of women, and one man Dan Fisher, who openly hate me and tweet about it obsessively. When it didn't go down as the tremendous hit they thought it would, none of them had the bravery to put their hand up to it.
Parody accounts should be funny. 'Man Who Has It All' for example.
I highlighted the people following the account because they all knew full well it wasn't funny. They knew it was cruel, vicious and personal and they didn't care. I'm not accepting the "followed by mistake" or "curious" line. Or those that say, Dan Fisher amongst them, that my pointing out who was following was harassment and policing. Are you kidding me? It was a vile account and I'm not hiding your nastiness away.
Jo Bartosch followed up her follow of an harassment account with an attempted dox. Of a woman who is a survivor of domestic violence. She didn't know how this would affect me or what danger it might place me in. In this case she got it wrong and used the name of my abuser. She did it without regard for my safety. She did it knowing the fear this instills in women. I escaped the man and his name, which I have now changed. This is cruel and this is unacceptable. I do not have to look away or ignore to keep the peace to make people feel less uncomfortable.
What you should know is that I will stay on my feet. I will take your swung punches, you can kick me as I go down if you like, and I will keep getting up. I have no idea how to do anything else. Being a survivor runs through my bones.
[On the ally mess that is Dan Fisher (I'm still not really sure who he is or why anyone cares), and why he was called a few names like "creep" and worse in response to getting himself in the middle of all this. Dan Fisher has suggested I deserved this treatment because I had bullied another woman. Dan seems to be very much enjoying whenever any feminist women have arguments. He seems to be inserting himself as some kind of arbiter of who is a good and bad woman. If that doesn't make your skin crawl as feminist women then I don't know what will.
Dan has recently concocted a fantastical story, about me bullying a bereaved woman by accusing her of bullying her ex wife. This is simply untrue. He has assembled a shady tweet timeline of separate tweets I made. The accusation is weird. I have tweeted and campaigned about men's fatal violence endlessly for 8 years. I have solely written about men who abuse and kill women. I am furious that some of these men escape justice after a woman is dead and say what they like about her. I have never once in all those years tweeted about a woman abusing and I regularly bat back men who insist that I should. He has linked up a tweet where I offered condolences to a woman I don't know whose tweet was in my timeline. I assumed she (?) was discussing a female friend abused by a man. I am without words for this reach. It is frankly ludicrous. Not gaslighting. Just stupid. Only a fool would think it and only a fool would expect anyone to believe it.)