No one likes to be a victim of violence. No one likes to feel weak. I am always shocked and hurt when I hear the term "professional victim" or hear men sneer at those women who talk of the domestic abuse or rape or other violence, both sexual and physical, that they've suffered at the hands of men.
The clear anticipation and expectation of such men (and indeed of many men) is that this could never happen to them. That they would be able to stop it. That even if they were a victim of male violence it would not destroy them. They will not be defined by it. They will recover. They will not be, or remain, "victims".
While men are overwhelmingly the victims of male violence against people they do not often live their lives in fear of it and that is the crucial difference. I'm talking about men's perception of the way the world will treat them. It is different to a woman's - even before she experiences male violence - and it changes drastically once she has.
Women know that they commit very few of the violent crimes against the person. Yet they also know - or should know - that they have a 1 in 4 chance of being a victim of domestic abuse and a 1 in 5 chance of being a victim of rape.
While men are overwhelmingly the victims of male violence against people they do not often live their lives in fear of it and that is the crucial difference. I'm talking about men's perception of the way the world will treat them. It is different to a woman's - even before she experiences male violence - and it changes drastically once she has.
Women know that they commit very few of the violent crimes against the person. Yet they also know - or should know - that they have a 1 in 4 chance of being a victim of domestic abuse and a 1 in 5 chance of being a victim of rape.
In the UK in the year ending 2018 women were the victims in 53% of violent crimes against the person. Men are the perpetrators in 74% of violent crime ONS and 82% of women's prison sentences in 2018 were for non-violent crime. Women in Prison. There were 149 women killed by men in 2018 and of those 61% were killed by a current or former male intimate partner and a further 11% by a current or former family member. Femicide Census 2018
Put simply - women rarely hurt people but they are often hurt and when they are hurt it is most frequently by men.
And this is how we walk through the world. With that knowledge. Always there.
When a woman has suffered male violence you may not easily spot her. You can stand alongside her in a queue at the supermarket. You can pass her in the street and her head will be held high. You can see her in a bar laughing with friends. She does not wear a sign. She does not declare she is a victim - not verbally.
But .... a woman who has been abused for instance. She may demonstrate just some of the following:
Put simply - women rarely hurt people but they are often hurt and when they are hurt it is most frequently by men.
And this is how we walk through the world. With that knowledge. Always there.
When a woman has suffered male violence you may not easily spot her. You can stand alongside her in a queue at the supermarket. You can pass her in the street and her head will be held high. You can see her in a bar laughing with friends. She does not wear a sign. She does not declare she is a victim - not verbally.
But .... a woman who has been abused for instance. She may demonstrate just some of the following:
- Flinching at a raised male voice in her vicinity even if not directed at her
- Never standing or sitting with her back to a room with men in it
- moving aside when a man is walking behind her
- Not drinking until drunk and going home early
- Not being around men who drink
- Going quiet when men become loud.
- Spotting a fight between men before it happens
- Deliberately choosing not to be around men she doesn't know - at all
She may show no sign. She may bolt this worry down hard inside herself. Each day she may screw her courage to the sticking place.
But women who have been a victim of male violence are rarely the same again, however hard we try. We have been made aware by individual men of what is potentially inside any man. We know that no matter how strong we are, or how weak he is, that our bodies are unlikely to resist his attack effectively.
We cannot differentiate rapist men from non-rapist men.
We don't know which men will abuse us or which won't before it happens and we have no firm knowledge that we won't be duped again even when we have been "deprogrammed" and helped by feminist women's services. We learn the signs - we know the red flags. We hope we can spot them. We are forever trying to spot them. Sometimes we fail. Abusive men and rapists are crafty. They also know they are rarely caught or prosecuted.
We cannot differentiate rapist men from non-rapist men.
We don't know which men will abuse us or which won't before it happens and we have no firm knowledge that we won't be duped again even when we have been "deprogrammed" and helped by feminist women's services. We learn the signs - we know the red flags. We hope we can spot them. We are forever trying to spot them. Sometimes we fail. Abusive men and rapists are crafty. They also know they are rarely caught or prosecuted.
Many men do not know these feelings. They walk tall in the street. They don't check over their shoulders constantly. They aren't afraid that they will have sexual comments shouted out at them from women in the street. If on the rare occasions this happens they don't worry that the woman shouting will come and sexually assault or kill them. They expect their voices to be heard in any room they enter without fear of attack by women. Some of them may fear other men but they certainly don't fear women. Why would they?
I asked a simple question of my husband recently ... "have you ever been really afraid of another man? Has any man ever hurt you badly?" He admitted that no. Not really. He had a couple of fights at school. He is over 6 ft tall and a weightlifter. He is strong. He walks the streets with an entitled stride and he goes where he likes without worrying that he will be hurt by another human. The vast majority of men do. When I asked if he had ever been afraid of a woman he laughed. Of course he hadn't.
l tried to explain to him how he would feel if a random man attacked him in the street. I explained that once you have experienced an attack you never have quite the same confidence again. That he would look over his shoulder. Often. That he might become quieter. He might continue to lift weights in the gym ... but he might decide to buy weights and exercise at home. He struggled to comprehend this view of himself. He struggled to understand how women have to walk this way through life. Not always afraid..... but aware. Sometimes afraid. Alert.
We women are acutely aware of ourselves and our female bodies and how we can be overwhelmed so easily - no matter how strong and brave we are. We don't like it. We feminists see ourselves and call ourselves "warrior women".
But this is also what we know... that we are vulnerable to the violence of men - because we have experienced male violence and we see it in the statistics and in the streets and in our own homes.
To tell women that they should not be afraid or alert to the threat they know exists because "not all men are like that" is cruel.
To tell a woman that she should not be alert to the potential threat of men who say they identify as women is also cruel.
To tell a woman that she should not be alert to the potential threat of men who say they identify as women is also cruel.
We can't differentiate. We shouldn't differentiate. It is not in our interests to do so.
Women need space in this world that does not include men. Refuges and rape crisis centres and toilets and changing rooms. Spaces where we are vulnerable. Spaces where we can expect that we do not have to be on such high alert.
Women should not be fighting all over again for those spaces to be free of men. Men should get their sh*t together around each other and, simultaneously, acknowledge the needs of women.
Women need space in this world that does not include men. Refuges and rape crisis centres and toilets and changing rooms. Spaces where we are vulnerable. Spaces where we can expect that we do not have to be on such high alert.
Women should not be fighting all over again for those spaces to be free of men. Men should get their sh*t together around each other and, simultaneously, acknowledge the needs of women.
